Friday, October 22, 2010

Blinded

The moment you decide to place more value on your life over another individual’s…is the moment you lose your spirit of discernment.  The ability to discern enemies over sincerity.  The skill to read people for their motives and intentions. It’s a gradual growth to becoming blind. This is the first sense to go.  Blinded by the money, the lifestyle, the groupies, the libations…the dreams you’re being sold.  Your reality shifts, and you lose sight of what’s real and what’s not.  It’s like ‘Inception’ with Leonardo DiCaprio where by the end of the movie no one’s sure of the actual reality.

The worst part about going blind is that most of you haven’t even reached your full potential before you decide to poke out your eyes.  You let the smallest, most irrelevant things boost your egos.  Last night I tweeted, “Niggas get 1000 followers, and don’t know how to tweet back!” This is actually hilarious, but petty at the same time.  The people who do the most, get the least recognition; the people who have the most talent, are the last to get respect; the people who love the most, are misused and abused by individuals who know not how to love.  There’s a thin line between confidence and being insecure.  If 1000 followers makes you feel like you’ve “made it” somewhere in life, then you must realize how little you truly think yourself.  *shrugs*

Psalms 25: 9 – 13:  The meek will he guide in judgment: and the meek will he teach his way. All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant. For the honor of your name, O Lord, forgive my many, many sins. Who, then, is the man that fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him. They will live in prosperity, and their children will inherit the land.

The humble individuals who love honest and genuine; the individuals who don’t allow material things to drive their life; the individuals who look to inspire, uplift, help, guide, influence positively…those are the individuals who will receive the blessings written in His word.  We were all created the same…spirits are the same…not one person is more valuable than another…He’s given us all gifts and a purpose in this life.  Don’t be blinded by temporary bliss…nothing lasts forever, and the moment you get to feelin yaself too tough…He will take it all from you with a blink of an eye…your sight will then be restored.

~Truly Yours~

Esynaj

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

God's Love

It's been 5 months since I last posted...I've grown since then...I've been through even more since then...so I have even more to give you...some good, some hurtful, some bad, some blessings...overall it's Just "Real"..."The Real Star Esynaj" ~God is Love


There’s always that one person that manages to creep and seep their love into your heart! That one person has eased their way in…leaving an unforgettable imprint on your life.  For some of us, including myself, there’s no getting to my heart easily…my heart has been a vault for years…but that person will know exactly what to do to help you let your hair down…


It happens when you least expect it…it’s how you feel when you know you’ve pleased God. An ultimate feeling of peace and joy in your heart when you know that person’s love is genuine and true.  You know you’re in love when you can accept and love that person through all their flaws, but not let them settle with them either…True enough yes we can’t change who we are…but we can definitely get better.


That person manages to motivate you…make you want to be more than you already are.  A life that lacks selfishness…but believes in sacrifice.  This person manages to be a consistent force of love…that you find yourself praying for on a regular basis…an overwhelming feeling of wanting to feel their heart beating next to yours…


It’s a love that, despite your own personal circumstances, makes you fearless, strong, and forget about all your problems…just being with that person is enough to light up your world. It’s understanding that “If you loved me at 10 percent, it's only right that I love you back at 90. Some days you'll have to love me at 90 because I can only supply 10.” Give and take; be strong for one another; and do it at all times.


It’s the point in which you witness God’s love…and understand that God is Love! When this love finds you…you know you’ve been a true witness to how God loves us…through our mistakes, our poor decisions, or neglect to God…He loves us anyway…and knowing you can find a kind of love like that in a man/woman will make you surrender your heart to that person forever. Are you willing to allow yourself to see it…feel it…believe in it?


Yours Truly






~Esynaj~

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Do Better

Before you try to dog out the man or woman you were with before #DoBetter! It makes no sense to not have forward movement in our lives. Not only do you need to find someone who is better, but YOU also need to be doing better! Doing better is an entirely different mindset. With all the things that broke me from my marriage, if I even smell something that seems similar, I'm cancelling that "nicca" like Neno! If I'm not going to #DoBetter then I should've stayed with the fool I was with. At least there are years built around that, or kids, or money, anything. Anything is better than dating someone new, and just like your ex they have no job, no ambition, no money, no car, and more kids than the last one! This is a rant. How can you call yourself growing or better than before if you keep putting yourself into the same dumb situation? You've learned nothing, and therefore deserve whatever treatment is sent your way.

You put your foot down, walked away, dogged out the individual you left. You went through heartache, reflection, talks with the girls or guys. You changed your look and create a fa├žade that says, "I'm happier without you." Then you get pregnant or end up paying bills for someone who is equivalent or less than? You have not dealt with yourself and this is a problem. No one said it wasn't ok to be "single." Society made that up. Single = One. One whole complete person. Enjoy that fact. Work on yourself; pray more and try to establish a solid relationship with yourself. Go back to school, dream again, take care of your kids, write, reflect, and become more. Then maybe you'll find someone who is more. Because there's something to be said about someone who keeps attracting no nothing people. You are giving off a persona that says, "I'm afraid to be alone; I'm weak; use me at your will." Get it together! When you better yourself, you will attract someone who is better because you will love yourself enough to know that you clearly deserve more than you continue to settle for, and unfortunately that doesn't make you better than your ex…you two are still on the same playing field.

And definitely don't worry about them finding someone else to be with "so soon." There's always another weak man/woman out there waiting to fill your shoes. No lie. It's true, and unfortunately it happens more so for the ladies, where the man finds another dumb dumb to manipulate, than for the men. I guess it's because it's a 4:1 Ratio. The same thing happened to me. I left my husband, and immediately there was someone in my old townhouse, sitting on my couch, eating my food, watching my tv, hangin out with my daughter! Oh yes…this is true! But remember what my last post said… I couldn't allow him or her to think I would be angry over him because I wasn't, though she was using my toilet paper, I kept my cool. I took my child, walked out of that townhouse a lady because they needed to know, he didn't matter to me. I wanted to do better; I needed more for me. I could dog him, but it's not necessary…he's a great father and has a good heart. But my purpose in saying that I can dog him, is that you best believe I'm damn sure doin better! I'm living my life; sacrificing still from burdens laid on me from my marriage, but God. But God, is allowing me to dream again, live again, love again and it's because I never looked back. I loved myself and my child enough to not make the same mistake twice. So you've heard it from me; no excuses. Stop complaining and #DoBetter.


Love,


~Esynaj~

Sinking Boat

God does not like Ugly. We must remember that we will pay for the decisions we make. Every decision has a consequence. You "reap what you sow" and all that mess you were talking about when it seemed as if it was gettin' good, goin' good, or feelin' good, will eventually end the same way it began. This is in no way a rant or fight for or against anyone or anything in particular…the truth is the truth…and always will be. It is in our nature to want so many things and want so much; drive and passion are incredible assets, but if you're willing to do anything to get it, you cannot expect the results to be glamorous. We've all done our dirt, not stating that anyone is perfect, but what goes around comes around so be careful.

What's scarier is that some people create their own warped worlds in which they go through all types of steps to justify their wrongs and make them seem right. They create a world that makes others believe them too, and that's even worse. Don't allow someone to present the shiniest apple to you; don't allow someone dressed up in glitz and glam to send you off, because snakes come in every brand, every complexion, and from every angle and direction. As for me, I am far from perfect. I've had my infidel moments where I went for what I wanted, and could care less about what I did not need. I cheated and hurt people's feelings and I learned nothing at all good comes from that. I had convinced myself that it was what I deserved because I was unhappy with my situation; so if anyone found out, it didn't matter, but two wrongs do not make a right. Because in the end I've watched it done to me, and though it didn't feel good, I have to continue to tell myself if they don't fix their mindset, nothing good will come of it.

I've watched people lie to my face; complain about flaws that I openly shared, but hide theirs…and we must remember whatever is done in the dark comes to light. So as the "hidden" flaws unravel I began to see the ugly that lay inside. I watched as they judged other people about their misdoings; dog them out for mistakes made and pretend all they do is perfect; call them weak for sticking around in a tough relationship; talk about other people and how "unholy" they were, but then chase after men and friends who could care less about them; take the blame in relationships that failed though abusive; then cover and lie for them so no one would know, even though the truth was evident: they had been used, talked about, lied to, cheated on, abused…so what confuses me…is how they can have all this damaged goods surrounding them, know how it feels to be stepped on, but then openly and sarcastically do it to others. People at church; people at work; people who are called friends. There's something weak and sickening about that at the same time. It's crazy how you can watch as they push away the individuals that truly love them to protect people that don't give a damn.

Men and women in these situations won't be tolerated by me and the twilight zone has them so confused at the end…there's nothing you can say; nothing you can do, but let them live their lives in cover ups, denial, manipulation, and lies. You can only pray that one day they will wake up from their spell, and be different, but until then if you become the friend of one you will definitely be the target. Because misery loves company; they love to bring people down to their level; they're hypocrites who will shun you for one act of sin, but then do something else and make an excuse for it. They are, under all those layers of BULL, unhappy. They're in a sinking boat…don't drown with them.

Sincerely,

~Esynaj~

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Tolerated or Celebrated

April 17th I had the chance to see Pastor Darius Brooks in person….and when I tell you wow! I mean wow! It wasn't even that his discussion was oh so biblical, but more so just "real" and "the truth." One of his many topics discussed was how many of us, including myself, tend to spend our time around people who tolerate us, and not those who actually celebrate us! How many of you can name a person you are around that you feel tolerated by? It's such a huge difference. And on the inside you know you're only being tolerated, but your self-esteem is so low you stick around to get their approval. This happens in friendships, on the job, in relationships, and even at church. You've gained weight, and therefore he tolerates your weight gain instead of actually loving you regardless, or even taking a walk around the track with you. The job can't find someone else they prefer to work for them, because they're judgmental of you for whatever reason so they tolerate you until they can find someone else to do it, just to do it too, not even better. You have friends who will smile all in your face, talk down to you on a regular basis, and then talk bad about you as soon as you turn your back.

Why is it that if we know that God can take us, and accept us for exactly who we are, do we allow someone who is just as "un" flawless as we are, run our lives? Constantly, talking about what you aren't doing right; constantly talking about how you live your life; yet never taking a moment to actually look themselves in the mirror and make an actual judgment. But then who can we actually be upset with? The one running the show or the one who is constantly trying to be something or someone their not in order to fit into what someone else thinks is right! Because let me tell you something, if they didn't like you before the changes you made, they definitely will not like you when they feel you are trying to be them. It's like watching the movie, "Mean Girls," when Lindsay Lohan first hit the scene (and seriously…look at her now). The girls in that movie were so insecure, they either were controlling because they feared being no one, or they were controlled because they feared being no one! Since when did God place us here to be defined by man?

I always felt that those people, who keep people around them that they simply tolerate, are keeping people around them so they can feel better about themselves. I mean because why would you want to hang out with someone when you don't necessarily agree with how they are living their life? It's to entertain you; give you someone to laugh at;they're more than likely always there to be at your beck and call; you can use them for something; and them idolizing you, makes you feel better about who you actually are. So many people have qualities, yet when we tolerate people, we never truly take the chance to see the God given abilities He has placed inside that person. Because He's given every one of us a gift. You get so caught up in "right now" instead of who you are and what you stand for, and what you know you can do, you forget about the Kingdom child inside you! This is relevant for friendships as well as relationships. You become someone you're not to satisfy your partner because you're afraid of being alone. The talents you sought after and embraced before become non-existent as your self-esteem deteriorates. God does not tolerate us, but celebrates everything He has given us, why would you let "man" who is less than God take that away from you?

When you begin to live for yourself; and stop living for what everyone else thinks, wants, and wants you to be, then you will find true happiness; and it is then that God will truly bless you. Elevation in anything means sometimes you are going to have to leave some folks behind! Suck it up! Be strong and remember if no one else has your back, you yourself should! The only way you will be able to be around people who celebrate you, is if you can find people who are actually satisfied, and happy enough with themselves to embrace you! And you have to be the same! Hang with people who are "on what you are on!" If you are happy, hang with happy people! If you are faithful, you have to hang with faithful people! If you are God driven, then hang around people who have that relationship with God! If you don't hang out with them, they will be alright…I guarantee. Lastly, in order to be celebrated, you have to first celebrate you!


~Esynaj~

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Are You Ok? “I’m Fine.”

I woke up this morning, having not written all week, with a tingling sensation in the tips of my fingers. What should I talk about today? Should it be about pride, sabotage, instability, or blame? But to be honest, a lot of the issues we deal with in relationships are all rolled into one. For every action there is a reaction. His pride, your fear, blaming issues on each other when we need to self "edit." The instabilities of life, love, and happiness, which makes some of us reckless, and on a path of destruction. Many of us compare our current partner to our last partners, when we should have a clean slate, and it usually makes the other individual pull away.

Relationships don't have to be as complicated as we make them. There are arguments and misunderstandings when there is a lack of communication. A lot of times we bring our own/old issues into a new situation, and expect the other person to help us figure it out. We make assumptions about a person, and don't take the time to think it through before we start finding reasons to separate ourselves from the situation. If it even feels anything like an old situation, we are willing to quit before we actually take the time to communicate real thoughts and opinions. What is communication? Communicating does not mean you wait until the both of you are pissed off, and because you can discuss the issues without arguing, you are great communicators. Communicating is being able to express and convey how you feel with clarity so the other person actually feels comfortable and knows who you are before the need for discussion even happens.

Who said there's anything wrong with making your partner feel comfortable? It's like sometimes people play games on purpose to make the other jealous so you can see how much they actually care. Don't act like it's just been me before. Not answering the phone on purpose so he doesn't know where you are. Never texting back, when you know 100% you would flip out if he didn't respond in your ten minute grace period. Making yourself busy, not making time, going out, staying out all night, and never letting the other person know what's going on. Having an unexplained attitude or tone that makes the other person uncomfortable. If you love this person, why would you ever want them to question your love for them? If you want or need to play games, then maybe you should reassess and reevaluate your own intentions. Being in a committed relationship may not be for you. If you don't want your partner to question your intentions or act a fool, stop being difficult. There are so many things that go on in a relationship, some of them are uncontrollable, so take control of the things you can. Stop making your partner read your mind. If something is wrong, let them know there is a problem. There's nothing worse than an argument over something petty, like the dishes or a missed phone call, when what you're feeling is beyond that. The problem will never be solved. When he asks you are you ok, and you say, "I'm fine." But everyone knows you're really not, you are setting yourself up for failure. If you're not fine, say it because your actions outside of the root issue may cause you to be in the wrong as well. Now your opinion and credibility is lost.

Selfish people who only think of how they feel, who do not try to see things from a perspective other than their own do not need to be married or in relationships. You have to take away the I's or an Us. Think for more than yourself. Think about how you would feel if what you were doing was being done to you. Communicate.


To Be Continued…


~Esynaj~

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Oxygen Masks On

Dealing with hard times alone can be one of the biggest battles to overcome, yet watching someone you love go through a hard time when you know it's a hill they have to climb on their own, for me…is even harder. I never quite understood my grandmother. She was strict…all the way old school. Made me eat spinach, and didn't let me drink that tall glass of Hawaiian Punch until I completed every ounce of that pile of goo. She loved so hard, she worried about us all. She loved so hard, sometimes it hurt. My mother loves the same way, though not strict at all, she would give anything for the ones she loves. Sometimes I wish God didn't make me the same way. Once I've committed to loving you…I never stop. No matter how much I am hurt; there is no off button.

Now some would say this is a good thing; God loves us the same way. Unconditional…but though I strive to be Christ like, I am nothing compared nor have the power to endure every condition. I've dealt with this, with friends, with some family, and in relationships with men. It's something in me that wants to save them. I put myself on the line…almost every time. I put my money, my heart, my faith in them, and in the end I realize I definitely should not have done it. We are not meant to be saved by some-one or some-thing; we are meant to save ourselves through a faith that relies only upon God. I know the Tyler Perry movies lead us to believe that Mr. Prince Charming is going to come our way, and help us move on and forget all that we have gone through…but it's only a movie. Reality is, the only reason they were able to find love or be happy, is because they moved on and saved themselves first.

When you put your hopes and dreams into someone else, or base your happiness upon how someone else makes you feel…you have set yourself up for failure. Because no one is perfect, and at some point that person is going to have to fight their own battle, and they are not going to be able to focus their attention on saving you anymore. I am not being pessimistic. There are people who are happy, who work together to resolve their issues together and separately, but at the end of the day those people are happy with themselves first.

No one can be changed by someone else. People change because they want to change. So if that friend or significant other is not the person you hope them to be, then maybe that friend or significant other isn't for you. It takes a strong person to accept what they need, and who strays away from what they want because what we want may not even exist; what we want may not be best for us at all. Can you look that person in the eye and see who they truly are? Can you look at them and see they are who you need in your life? Potential is a scary thing to deal with. You can see potential in anyone, but do they see it in themselves? How long do you sit back and watch them try and piece together the pieces to the puzzle? You can want so much for a person, but if they don't want it for themselves…then who cares? You can want to save someone from their troubles and trials, but at the end of the day they have to figure it out on their own. I am not, by any means saying leave someone because they are going through a difficult time, but I am saying evaluate the situation before you hold on to something that is empty.

As my cousin has explained to me before, when the flight attendants explain how the oxygen masks work, never once do they say put the oxygen mask on the person sitting next to you first. They say, place the oxygen mask on you first, and then assist other people. If you are not dealing with yourself, helping yourself, saving yourself first, then you will all suffer. I've had to deal with my battles on my own, and as I said before it has been one of the biggest battles to overcome; but I couldn't wait on someone to complete me or help me believe in me…I did that before, and once that relationship ended, I was right back where I started. I, and don't get me wrong…even today it is still hard…because I cannot deny wanting the fairytale ending; the family; the kids; the big house with a porch and swing…that is the next level in life I long to take, but I am starting with me first. Whatever I put out, is what I will get back. I am dealing with myself, learning to love myself as I am now, and taking the steps to improve myself…and I am letting others do the same. No matter how much it hurts to see them be heartbroken, or disappointed, or overwhelmed…we can only save ourselves. Are you willing to do it?


~Esynaj~

Friday, April 2, 2010

SexnYou

This topic is difficult to discuss because I know a lot of individuals won't approve of the discussion. I can give you what the word says. I can tell you how, those who believe in God would want you to be, but truth of the matter is, we all die to our flesh every day. We all fall short of his glory, and so therefore I have to touch upon the topic of sex because the mental destruction of young girls giving themselves away to boys/men who do not deserve it, breaks the esteem of young women down daily. God says, do not fornicate; therefore, do not have sex until you are married. My advice: Do your best to follow the word. Keeping that part of you is an honor. And if you fall short, my advice is that you do not give a part of yourself away aimlessly.

Over 70% of teens are having sex before the age of 20, and African-American's more than double the numbers in regards to Caucasians. So why is there a need to have sex? For many it's the intimacy. Wanting to feel needed by the opposite sex, and confusing love with lust. For some, women feel the need to give a part of themselves away because if they don't, he will find someone who will. What's unfortunate is if more women were stronger, the man wouldn't have a choice but to deal with it, but because there is such a large amount of women out here with a lack of self-esteem, men will always be able to find someone who will give it up. Yes, it means you have low self-esteem. Sorry if you don't want to hear it, but it's true. If you had confidence in yourself, then when you felt like you were being pressured to give it up, you would have no problem with saying no, and not feel bad about it later. What you have to realize is that if he is worth it, and the one God wants you to be with, then he will wait. He will wait until you are ready to take that type of step. Some of you all will and have had sex to keep a man you never even had! And when he moves on, before you've even been committed to, you wonder why? If he's not willing to wait, that's all he came for, and if that's not all you came for, well then you can definitely guess that your feelings will be hurt.

Sex is not just an act. It's an emotion. Men have an easier time using that logic, as always, and separating the emotional side. This definitely is not all men, but women, most of us, have emotions tied into it. And you should…it wasn't created to be emotionless. Believe it or not there is a difference between having sex and making love, and there is no greater feeling than making love to someone you know genuinely loves you. Someone who will never leave, and who will be there with you always. It can't feel too good to have sex with someone, and then watch them get up and walk away, and sometimes never see them again. No wonder you have no self-esteem. Then you repeat the act over and over again, because you care so little about yourself, or somewhere in your mind you really think it's going to be different. With anything you do in life, if you want different results you have to do something different. If you don't value yourself, why should he? A man will only do what you allow him to, and to be honest, the road may get lonely at times, but God will bless your obedience, and send you the one who deserves all you have to give.

It took me some time to learn the difference. I've never been an out there kind of woman, but my daughter was conceived out of wedlock, and I had been active before, and though my battles have been in other areas, I will say I have never wanted more than anything to be in a position to make love to my husband. Everything else is a chance. A chance of me giving away something that may be walked away with. It's even worse to have sex with a man, when you emotionally feel it, and you know for them it is just an act. A man who loves you, truly, will show you that love even outside the act of sex. He will pay attention to you, cater to you; show you that intimacy outside the bedroom. And ladies, sometimes you will have to teach him. Show him the type of love you want him to show you, by actually showing him. Sometimes you keep your guard up about the wrong things. Your guard is up with emotions and affection, but it's not up about sex. Backwards, and I was the same way. If he's worth showing, show him. It may not be his entire fault that he's not intimate the way you want him to be. Closed mouths don't get fed.

What I can appreciate in my relationship is his ability to be attentive (examples given upon request lol), and his ability to look me in my eyes when I speak, and care about what I care about. If he doesn't care about what you care about, then he doesn't care. There are many preliminaries that need to be addressed before you decide to give him a piece of what God created to be sacred for you. Run down your check list for yourself, and what you are willing to accept. Run down your check list of things you have to have from him. Make him pass that test first, then get to know him, and make sure he gets to know you, let him take you out, open your door, speak to you with respect. When he understands you, because women we are layers; very complex women, then you discuss allowing him to have a part of you. Remember that complexity and complication are two different things…be certain on who you are before you give a part of you away. Sex was created for two people who have made a commitment to love each other for a life time. If you know you are not going to end up with the guy you are dealing with, don't give him a part of you…he doesn't deserve it. Feel me?


Love Always,


~Esynaj~

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Fear=Failure

Are you comfortable with your life? Fearless even? I have a hard time watching individuals live their life complacently. When you see this person, you will know deep down they are not truly happy with their everyday lives, but fear won't allow them to reach for the visions and dreams God has instilled in their heart.

Now let me **sidebar** I said, "Visions and dreams God has instilled…" That means that some of you are reaching for things that God has not ordained you to do, and you continue to reach for it, even though nothing is coming your way. People confuse difficulty and force with hard work. They feel there will be hoops of fire to jump through, major setbacks, battles and fights, but this is not true. When it is ordained by God, he will place you in a position, and as you obediently follow the direction He is sending you on, you will work tirelessly to fulfill the task. You will work hard, but it will not be hard. Don't get me wrong, I know that everything is not easy, and there will be times when you will struggle, and you will need support from individuals you love, but it's hard to support someone who you know is not obedient. When it's evident that God does not have is hand in the middle of the situation, yet you continue to push it. Men and women confuse this act within their relationships almost always. Each individual is looking to be supported by their companion: whether it is through time, finance, and/or emotions, they are looking for the support. Now, am I wrong if I cannot support you feeling it's more important to chase a dream that has no order, no direction, and no foundation? And all while you are chasing this dream, you feel it's not necessary to hold a job, and/or do things for the family you helped create? Do you realize what will happen when you chase and then follow someone whose dream has no basis or foundation? You both crumble. You both lose the strength that you once had.

Please don't confuse this lack of judgment; this disorganization; and childish dream, with a vision God has formed. We make poor decisions, with a lack judgment, and then don't take responsibility for the steps taken to get to that failure, and then replace it with fear for everything. Fear for a success that is hand carved by God means you leave this earth never fulfilling the gift God created for you. How do you know God's hand is in it? When you know in your heart that the gift He wants you to use is going to change someone's life and heart for the better. Two people can have the same talent. Those two people can have two different hearts. God will produce favor for the individual who has the ability to change the lives of others for good.

God has not given us the spirit of fear. It is used to keep you from ever doing anything you want to do. And the devil will use as many forces as possible to keep you from fulfilling it. The situation above is just one example, but friends, family members, significant others and you, yourself, will definitely be forces the devil uses. At some point you have to get to the position where you are confident enough to not care what anyone else's opinion is, and just do it. Nothing you do is for nothing. If the first door doesn't open, God will definitely have another door open for you just nearby to the left. The experience has taught you something, so be open, and don't miss the true blessing by not listening to God. I think about all the things we would not have, had the people who created them, gave up. Just think about all the things you are destined to share/give and know that ultimately you'd be unhappy if you are not doing it, sharing it, and blessing someone else with it.

Furthermore, stop blaming other people for your inability to believe in yourself. You have all the power and control over your own life. It's saddening to look at someone make excuses about why they cannot do something; get frustrated with an innocent bystander because you failed to believe, and let fear guide your path. Suck it up, own up, and take responsibility for every mistake, every decision, and every victory.

As I give my opinion please understand, I get fearful as well, but I'm a work in progress. I am now aware, and now I am doing all I can to stay on the path God has created me to be on. My fear lies in trusting others in relationships, so at times I push away the person I know I love, so I don't have to deal with disappointment. Do not do that. Live and Love…it's so much more worth it, than to let someone who may have been special walk away. It's almost like as women, and men in many cases, are afraid to be happy. We cannot accept someone doing something great in our lives because we fear it will go away. The feeling of happiness has only been temporary for many individuals so it's easier just to not be happy. Don't do that, you will live your life in misery; trying to get others to join you, and that is not cute. You will end up taking your anger out on the next individuals. It is a bad cycle. Forgive yourself, forgive those who've brought pain in the past and move on. My other fears lie in my visions. Even this simple blog has been a dream, and fear prolonged its existence. Now I am creating music, which has been my first love since I was sixteen. Now I could have easily tried not to do, which I have been doing for years. Creating excuses as to why I don't need to sing. I allowed other people to deter me from "star reaching." And don't get me wrong. I could create a dream out of being a teacher, being a mother, and a wife. Raising more kids, and living in a suburban house with a big front porch (I Still Want This), but I realized it's not what God wants me to do right now. I am so uncomfortable in the position He is putting me in, but I know He is pushing me to be ALL he created me to be. And it feels right. I have struggled for years being disobedient to the things He was calling me to do. Made mistake after mistake that I have to pay for even now. Those debts do not disappear, but he is giving me an opportunity to live for what I love; create a better life for the daughter I love; and replace all past debts, with assets for a better me; a better life; a better love. It's not easy. I do get fearful, but I trust God so I will keep it moving forward because fear does not come from Him. The enemy created it, so that we would all sit on God's promises, and never experience them.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

No One Has to Live With You BUT You!

Hiding behind the walls of failure...people judge. Judgments are usually made by those individuals who are the most unsatisfied. They spend their days making comments, gossiping, or pointing the finger at someone else because it makes them feel better about the dirt they know they are doing behind closed doors. Many people deal with their dissatisfaction in different ways. Some pretend to be perfect and judge, others lie to create a new reality, and some, like myself, used insensitivity to cover their pain. Don't get me wrong, whatever I said was the truth, but there's always a way to say things so people still respect you and receive what it is that you're saying. There was a time in which I felt I couldn't be satisfied with my reality. I used a lack of sensitivity to cope with my unhappiness. I focused on making people think I didn't care, and chose the "ass-hole" route because I couldn't be honest with myself. I made it my business to be honest with everyone else.

See, people who have been ruined by an individual they loved or hoped to love create barriers and walls to protect their hearts from ever being toyed with again. They hand out the brutal opinions and comments and call people out on their short-comings because they feel everyone should have it handed to them raw, just as it was handed to them. They spend most of their time convincing themselves they are completely happy, when in fact they are not satisfied or happy with all the cards dealt. They are not happy with where they live inside, mentally tormented by the feeling of: rejection, confusion, abandonment, violation, and pain. Feeling unloved; making it difficult to love who they truly are, because they believe something must be wrong if someone can decide they don't want them or they don't love them. They spew venom; repeating the actions done to themselves and do it to others. This person, who may not even be in touch with reality, is not ready to deal with the issues within, and they are not ready to live with themselves.

That person was me. I lacked sensitivity because I wanted others to take it the way I did. This person was the complete opposite of who I was originally: before the pain. As I prayed for understanding, I realized I have to live here. I have to live with myself. Releasing, forgiving, dealing with the things that hurt has only made me a better mother, better friend, better woman, and hopefully a better wife in the future. Releasing past pain, letting down my guard, caring genuinely for others and allowing them to care for me has been overwhelming, but a blessing. I am happier where I live, and others see it, and are happier with me.

As I think about the past pain, I realized that I was only giving that person the power by still holding on to what had been done to me. At the end of the day, they weren't necessarily thinking about what they had done, and most of the time they aren't. I had to take responsibility for my decisions, because I only have control over myself…no one else. Many times it seems we are looking for answers, and we have a hard time moving forward when we are waiting on those answers. Move forward. Move forward with yourself. Let God deal with the other individual, because it is certain they will be dealt with in one form or another. No one has to live with you, but you. Don't let someone live in your mental "rent free." So many of us women have a hard time shaking past hurt; we watch as our past hurt goes on to find someone else. And at times they are good to the next woman. So what? Trust and believe God has someone and something for you regardless of someone else's situation. So again, be concerned with yourself. No one else has to deal with you, but you yourself. Stop worrying about what he did to you, forgive him, you're giving him too much power. Stop worrying about what you have or do not have; your time is coming if you stay focused and Trust God. The venom and anger I had in me, kept me from receiving all the things God had in store for me. When I let go…God let it all in. And I am so happy living here…with myself.

~Esynaj~


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Dream Killer

I don't want girls making the same mistakes I did. Living the way I lived. Giving the way I gave without so much as a thanks or a genuine love in return. Take your emotions and let all that burn…why wait till it's too late. Take it from me and learn. One thing men use is logic, and we don't…Emotionally with lack of rationale we stay on a wing and a prayer! Even when it doesn't feel right, we make excuses for his abuse, his misuse. Logically, it doesn't add up to what we've claimed our standards are, and I know many of us have a list we've created, that we some how ignore when he's done a few things right. Don't get me wrong, we need emotions, but there has to be a balance between the two. Your logic allows you to process the things you need, and do what's best for you regardless of emotions, while emotions allow you to share and convey the love God intended us to convey without condition. But nowhere in there did God tell you to stick around, give up your dreams, deal with his lies, allow him to hurt and abuse you, pay all his bills, and deal with his inability to be a man. I mean through emotion, yes we see potential in men, but why not discriminate? If he's got two kids, and one on the way, he may have potential, but you probably shouldn't sit around and find out. Take it from me, I personally know. If you've been together for four years, and 95% of that time he hasn't had a job, he enjoys taking advantage of you, and will never change. And yes, I've been there as well.

Ladies, I know we mean well, and we want to give him a chance…even when he keeps going back to jail, but seriously go back and look at your list! Stop settling for men who do not deserve you, and who would honestly leave you if you made the mistakes they themselves are making! These men are called "Dream Killers." They watch you sacrifice, spend money, become an emotional wreck, forgive, and bend over backwards to create happiness for them, and all while you are doing this, they are also watching you get side tracked from your original goals. If you're with a man who does not dream, or cannot create a vision for his future, then he doesn't care if you have one either. I read in a book that God created a woman to be loved by a man, and that he should love you the way he loves himself. Does it look like he loves himself if he's not doing much with his life? Does it look like he loves himself, if he's constantly relying on you? The goal is to be wanted ladies…not needed. As a people we should only need the basics: food, clothes, and a roof over our head. Nothing else. If someone has become dependent on you, don't confuse that "need" with a "want." They may not want to be around you, but they need to because you provide the ride for them.

Now 2 kids later, you're stuck with this decision. Now $20,000 + later, you're stuck with this decision. Your heart has been broken so many times you've lost count, and all of what you've stood for is diminished. You are officially lost. Before my very own dream killer, I sang; I flew back and forth to L.A., recorded, and met a lot of individuals in the business. I was destined to be a super star! When I recorded good songs, he was jealous and unsupportive. When I had our child, I finished school, and became a teacher, and he definitely wasn't happy about that either. Jealous of my ability to keep it moving; the man who was supposed to be my #1 fan, and knew how much I wanted to sing, told me that's not what I should be doing. Unhappy with his own life, he hoped to do the same to me. I could have jumped back in the game, but as I stated before, when you deal with dream killers, you don't even remember the strong person you were originally. So, the only thing I could think of was to get out! You don't have to settle or let any situation make you stay. Though you've been broken, it doesn't mean God will not mend it. Place yourself in a position where God will give you what you truly need. No matter what, it will be better in the end.

Dream again!! I'm getting my 2nd chance. Leaving gave me the opportunity to find myself again…but then I truly had to take the steps to be the woman I know God created me to be.

Dream of a man who makes you dream, and supports your vision.

Dream of a man who can see past his own pride, to give you a part of himself.

Dream of a man who is with you all the time because he wants to be, not because he needs to.

Dream of a man who has his own dreams and visions, and has the drive to accomplish them.

Dream of a man who loves God like you do.

Dream of never settling for less than God has willed you to have as his Child.

Dream…live for you, your children, if any, and God…nothing and no one else.


~Esynaj~

Friday, March 19, 2010

It's OK To Love Yourself...If You Don't, Who Will?

Love YOURSELF Unconditionally. If you don't then who will? Why does it seem we are never satisfied with the beauty God creates? The flaws we, as individuals, notice are usually the best features. Before when I put my daughter to sleep at night, I would tell her to bless those she loves (family and friends/strangers and lost ones), but I never had her focus on herself. And when I asked her does she love herself...she replied, "No Mommy, I love everyone else." This sent up a red flag. I don't want her to look down on anyone, but I definitely needed her to learn her self worth. From that point on she began to pray for/over herself. She's five, and it took me until after my marriage to love myself. I didn't even realize I wasn't loving myself...decided to let NO man define me. Women have been created by God to be loved by a man. Read the good book, but how can that man love you as he should, if you do not love yourself? What does it mean to love yourself? Loving yourself means that you always do what's best for you. You stand up for what you believe in. And if that man is a good man, he will love that about you. To love yourself means that you will not chase desperately after a man! The bible says, "He who finds a wife finds a treasure, and receives favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). Not the other way around.

Love yourself enough to say no. Satisfy yourself before you satisfy that man, and that does not mean...be selfish. If you are satisfied with you, then you will be able to give him the love he deserves, and he will be able to give that love back to you. Do not allow any premature sexual relations you have with a man to be demoralized with disrespectful words. "F'ing," "Banging," "Boning," etc. are not acceptable word choices. When the time comes, you should be making love, and hopefully with your best friend. Decipher a man who is a mess. If he knows you're worth it, and please believe me you are, he will wait. If he doesn't, then he doesn't deserve you. Loving yourself is not always easy, and it hurts. Constant decisions all the time may leave you alone...but be obedient, and be strong because when the time comes God will bless you with what your heart desires, as long as it's accordance with His will!

As a young woman, I love to be loved. I tried to define by value based upon how much a man loved me or how I was able to get him to love me. I allowed men to fill voids of my insecurities instead of allowing God to fill my voids. Allowing a man to define your self-worth is a set-up for major disaster! Why? If you depend on someone you do not stand on your own; as a complete being, which means as he literally walks out of your life you will fall...you will fall susceptible to mess because you cannot define yourself. I learned that if I love myself, and depend only on myself then love from a man will come naturally. He will know that I love myself and he will love that about me...Trust.

Take the time to get to know yourself. reflect on what you want, on who you are. Trust me you can have what you deserve if you love yourself to know that YOU DESERVE THE BEST!!

~Esynaj~

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Liberation Day

Two years ago March 17th my decision to leave was finalized. I had spent years sacrificing and giving myself to a man who did not deserve the family he was given. I gave up my dreams of singing, and instead graduated from college and became a teacher because someone had to take care of the child we created. I tried to support his every move, but did not receive the same commitment in return. Instead me and our child were more of burden to him. Yet I stayed and was willing to stay. So why did I leave? I've spent these last two years trying to figure out the root reason of why I left. Initially, I blamed myself for my failing marriage. I felt if I loved him enough he would actuallly love me back...the way I deserved to be loved. I thought I didn't deserved to be loved because the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with let me down. I had let myself down. At the time, I was still a lost woman. I didn't even remember who I was before him. Once I left I still continued to make poor decisions in relationships, and for myself. I spent many times being "at the bottom of every bottle." I rebelled with anger, questioning God, and having a lack of understanding as to why I was left in the position I was in. I left a marriage with nothing to show for my leap of faith. Feeling trapped in a life I never intended to live. Full of debt; no faith; resentment; pain and heartache; hate and anger for men. They diagnosed me: Wreckless. But I've realized now, through all the bs, I left to give my daughter a fighting chance. How could I allow her to live in a household where she would see a relationship that was far less than healthy, spiritual, and quality? How could I allow her to witness fights that led nowhere, watching her mother settle for less than I deserved. Though I had friends in the same predicament, I learned first-hand, that misery loves company. Though I often have to deal with the ramifications of my daughter not being able to live in a two-parent home, I will do all that's in my power to show her the relationship God intended for a man and a woman to have. She's shown a better love now, by both of us. No arguments, no pain, no neglect. I have done all I can to make sure she's always surrounded by people who love her. I have since regained my faith in God that my past mistakes have been forgiven, and that my trust in Him leads me in the right direction, and that I have made the right choice...this time; I've been able to gain bits of who I was back, as well as focus on creating the woman God planned for me to be. And I am showing my baby girl...every step of the way. Perfectly, Imperfect.

So the point of Liberation Day is to celebrate the courage of women who have done what's best for their children, and even just themselves, and have walked away from an abusive, unsatisfactory situation. It's the humility in our spirit to face the whispers of those who pass judgement, and lean on God for encouragment to do what's right. The fact remains, it's a hard battle every step of the way being a single mother, and making sure the job of motherhood is done correctly, but it can be done. The fact remains that the bitterness and embarrassment of making past poor choices can still way on our every day spirit, but in order to move forward you have to confront what hurts, and trust that God only allows pain, in order to create growth and that sets us up for what He has instore!

I could not be the mother and woman I am today without the support of my own mother who watched me deteriorate from age 18, and loved me regardless. Her faithfulness and prayers gave me strength and I'm still a work in progress. My parents, who have both created a household for my daughter to grow in, and feel so much love from us all. My sister, who has given me motherly advice, and been on me to make sure I became the mother she knew I was supposed to be. My best friend Chyna (God mommy), my ships, and special friends, and the love of my life who sees through my pain, but doesn't allow me to wallow in it; who loves unconditionally and is my #1...ok sharing the #1 spot with mom...fan and supports all the dreams I have inside me. Surround yourself with people who want to see you do well, and remove those individuals who keep up mess in your life.

~Esynaj~