Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Are you comfortable with your life? Fearless even? I have a hard time watching individuals live their life complacently. When you see this person, you will know deep down they are not truly happy with their everyday lives, but fear won't allow them to reach for the visions and dreams God has instilled in their heart.

Now let me **sidebar** I said, "Visions and dreams God has instilled…" That means that some of you are reaching for things that God has not ordained you to do, and you continue to reach for it, even though nothing is coming your way. People confuse difficulty and force with hard work. They feel there will be hoops of fire to jump through, major setbacks, battles and fights, but this is not true. When it is ordained by God, he will place you in a position, and as you obediently follow the direction He is sending you on, you will work tirelessly to fulfill the task. You will work hard, but it will not be hard. Don't get me wrong, I know that everything is not easy, and there will be times when you will struggle, and you will need support from individuals you love, but it's hard to support someone who you know is not obedient. When it's evident that God does not have is hand in the middle of the situation, yet you continue to push it. Men and women confuse this act within their relationships almost always. Each individual is looking to be supported by their companion: whether it is through time, finance, and/or emotions, they are looking for the support. Now, am I wrong if I cannot support you feeling it's more important to chase a dream that has no order, no direction, and no foundation? And all while you are chasing this dream, you feel it's not necessary to hold a job, and/or do things for the family you helped create? Do you realize what will happen when you chase and then follow someone whose dream has no basis or foundation? You both crumble. You both lose the strength that you once had.

Please don't confuse this lack of judgment; this disorganization; and childish dream, with a vision God has formed. We make poor decisions, with a lack judgment, and then don't take responsibility for the steps taken to get to that failure, and then replace it with fear for everything. Fear for a success that is hand carved by God means you leave this earth never fulfilling the gift God created for you. How do you know God's hand is in it? When you know in your heart that the gift He wants you to use is going to change someone's life and heart for the better. Two people can have the same talent. Those two people can have two different hearts. God will produce favor for the individual who has the ability to change the lives of others for good.

God has not given us the spirit of fear. It is used to keep you from ever doing anything you want to do. And the devil will use as many forces as possible to keep you from fulfilling it. The situation above is just one example, but friends, family members, significant others and you, yourself, will definitely be forces the devil uses. At some point you have to get to the position where you are confident enough to not care what anyone else's opinion is, and just do it. Nothing you do is for nothing. If the first door doesn't open, God will definitely have another door open for you just nearby to the left. The experience has taught you something, so be open, and don't miss the true blessing by not listening to God. I think about all the things we would not have, had the people who created them, gave up. Just think about all the things you are destined to share/give and know that ultimately you'd be unhappy if you are not doing it, sharing it, and blessing someone else with it.

Furthermore, stop blaming other people for your inability to believe in yourself. You have all the power and control over your own life. It's saddening to look at someone make excuses about why they cannot do something; get frustrated with an innocent bystander because you failed to believe, and let fear guide your path. Suck it up, own up, and take responsibility for every mistake, every decision, and every victory.

As I give my opinion please understand, I get fearful as well, but I'm a work in progress. I am now aware, and now I am doing all I can to stay on the path God has created me to be on. My fear lies in trusting others in relationships, so at times I push away the person I know I love, so I don't have to deal with disappointment. Do not do that. Live and Love…it's so much more worth it, than to let someone who may have been special walk away. It's almost like as women, and men in many cases, are afraid to be happy. We cannot accept someone doing something great in our lives because we fear it will go away. The feeling of happiness has only been temporary for many individuals so it's easier just to not be happy. Don't do that, you will live your life in misery; trying to get others to join you, and that is not cute. You will end up taking your anger out on the next individuals. It is a bad cycle. Forgive yourself, forgive those who've brought pain in the past and move on. My other fears lie in my visions. Even this simple blog has been a dream, and fear prolonged its existence. Now I am creating music, which has been my first love since I was sixteen. Now I could have easily tried not to do, which I have been doing for years. Creating excuses as to why I don't need to sing. I allowed other people to deter me from "star reaching." And don't get me wrong. I could create a dream out of being a teacher, being a mother, and a wife. Raising more kids, and living in a suburban house with a big front porch (I Still Want This), but I realized it's not what God wants me to do right now. I am so uncomfortable in the position He is putting me in, but I know He is pushing me to be ALL he created me to be. And it feels right. I have struggled for years being disobedient to the things He was calling me to do. Made mistake after mistake that I have to pay for even now. Those debts do not disappear, but he is giving me an opportunity to live for what I love; create a better life for the daughter I love; and replace all past debts, with assets for a better me; a better life; a better love. It's not easy. I do get fearful, but I trust God so I will keep it moving forward because fear does not come from Him. The enemy created it, so that we would all sit on God's promises, and never experience them.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

No One Has to Live With You BUT You!

Hiding behind the walls of failure...people judge. Judgments are usually made by those individuals who are the most unsatisfied. They spend their days making comments, gossiping, or pointing the finger at someone else because it makes them feel better about the dirt they know they are doing behind closed doors. Many people deal with their dissatisfaction in different ways. Some pretend to be perfect and judge, others lie to create a new reality, and some, like myself, used insensitivity to cover their pain. Don't get me wrong, whatever I said was the truth, but there's always a way to say things so people still respect you and receive what it is that you're saying. There was a time in which I felt I couldn't be satisfied with my reality. I used a lack of sensitivity to cope with my unhappiness. I focused on making people think I didn't care, and chose the "ass-hole" route because I couldn't be honest with myself. I made it my business to be honest with everyone else.

See, people who have been ruined by an individual they loved or hoped to love create barriers and walls to protect their hearts from ever being toyed with again. They hand out the brutal opinions and comments and call people out on their short-comings because they feel everyone should have it handed to them raw, just as it was handed to them. They spend most of their time convincing themselves they are completely happy, when in fact they are not satisfied or happy with all the cards dealt. They are not happy with where they live inside, mentally tormented by the feeling of: rejection, confusion, abandonment, violation, and pain. Feeling unloved; making it difficult to love who they truly are, because they believe something must be wrong if someone can decide they don't want them or they don't love them. They spew venom; repeating the actions done to themselves and do it to others. This person, who may not even be in touch with reality, is not ready to deal with the issues within, and they are not ready to live with themselves.

That person was me. I lacked sensitivity because I wanted others to take it the way I did. This person was the complete opposite of who I was originally: before the pain. As I prayed for understanding, I realized I have to live here. I have to live with myself. Releasing, forgiving, dealing with the things that hurt has only made me a better mother, better friend, better woman, and hopefully a better wife in the future. Releasing past pain, letting down my guard, caring genuinely for others and allowing them to care for me has been overwhelming, but a blessing. I am happier where I live, and others see it, and are happier with me.

As I think about the past pain, I realized that I was only giving that person the power by still holding on to what had been done to me. At the end of the day, they weren't necessarily thinking about what they had done, and most of the time they aren't. I had to take responsibility for my decisions, because I only have control over myself…no one else. Many times it seems we are looking for answers, and we have a hard time moving forward when we are waiting on those answers. Move forward. Move forward with yourself. Let God deal with the other individual, because it is certain they will be dealt with in one form or another. No one has to live with you, but you. Don't let someone live in your mental "rent free." So many of us women have a hard time shaking past hurt; we watch as our past hurt goes on to find someone else. And at times they are good to the next woman. So what? Trust and believe God has someone and something for you regardless of someone else's situation. So again, be concerned with yourself. No one else has to deal with you, but you yourself. Stop worrying about what he did to you, forgive him, you're giving him too much power. Stop worrying about what you have or do not have; your time is coming if you stay focused and Trust God. The venom and anger I had in me, kept me from receiving all the things God had in store for me. When I let go…God let it all in. And I am so happy living here…with myself.


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Dream Killer

I don't want girls making the same mistakes I did. Living the way I lived. Giving the way I gave without so much as a thanks or a genuine love in return. Take your emotions and let all that burn…why wait till it's too late. Take it from me and learn. One thing men use is logic, and we don't…Emotionally with lack of rationale we stay on a wing and a prayer! Even when it doesn't feel right, we make excuses for his abuse, his misuse. Logically, it doesn't add up to what we've claimed our standards are, and I know many of us have a list we've created, that we some how ignore when he's done a few things right. Don't get me wrong, we need emotions, but there has to be a balance between the two. Your logic allows you to process the things you need, and do what's best for you regardless of emotions, while emotions allow you to share and convey the love God intended us to convey without condition. But nowhere in there did God tell you to stick around, give up your dreams, deal with his lies, allow him to hurt and abuse you, pay all his bills, and deal with his inability to be a man. I mean through emotion, yes we see potential in men, but why not discriminate? If he's got two kids, and one on the way, he may have potential, but you probably shouldn't sit around and find out. Take it from me, I personally know. If you've been together for four years, and 95% of that time he hasn't had a job, he enjoys taking advantage of you, and will never change. And yes, I've been there as well.

Ladies, I know we mean well, and we want to give him a chance…even when he keeps going back to jail, but seriously go back and look at your list! Stop settling for men who do not deserve you, and who would honestly leave you if you made the mistakes they themselves are making! These men are called "Dream Killers." They watch you sacrifice, spend money, become an emotional wreck, forgive, and bend over backwards to create happiness for them, and all while you are doing this, they are also watching you get side tracked from your original goals. If you're with a man who does not dream, or cannot create a vision for his future, then he doesn't care if you have one either. I read in a book that God created a woman to be loved by a man, and that he should love you the way he loves himself. Does it look like he loves himself if he's not doing much with his life? Does it look like he loves himself, if he's constantly relying on you? The goal is to be wanted ladies…not needed. As a people we should only need the basics: food, clothes, and a roof over our head. Nothing else. If someone has become dependent on you, don't confuse that "need" with a "want." They may not want to be around you, but they need to because you provide the ride for them.

Now 2 kids later, you're stuck with this decision. Now $20,000 + later, you're stuck with this decision. Your heart has been broken so many times you've lost count, and all of what you've stood for is diminished. You are officially lost. Before my very own dream killer, I sang; I flew back and forth to L.A., recorded, and met a lot of individuals in the business. I was destined to be a super star! When I recorded good songs, he was jealous and unsupportive. When I had our child, I finished school, and became a teacher, and he definitely wasn't happy about that either. Jealous of my ability to keep it moving; the man who was supposed to be my #1 fan, and knew how much I wanted to sing, told me that's not what I should be doing. Unhappy with his own life, he hoped to do the same to me. I could have jumped back in the game, but as I stated before, when you deal with dream killers, you don't even remember the strong person you were originally. So, the only thing I could think of was to get out! You don't have to settle or let any situation make you stay. Though you've been broken, it doesn't mean God will not mend it. Place yourself in a position where God will give you what you truly need. No matter what, it will be better in the end.

Dream again!! I'm getting my 2nd chance. Leaving gave me the opportunity to find myself again…but then I truly had to take the steps to be the woman I know God created me to be.

Dream of a man who makes you dream, and supports your vision.

Dream of a man who can see past his own pride, to give you a part of himself.

Dream of a man who is with you all the time because he wants to be, not because he needs to.

Dream of a man who has his own dreams and visions, and has the drive to accomplish them.

Dream of a man who loves God like you do.

Dream of never settling for less than God has willed you to have as his Child.

Dream…live for you, your children, if any, and God…nothing and no one else.


Friday, March 19, 2010

It's OK To Love Yourself...If You Don't, Who Will?

Love YOURSELF Unconditionally. If you don't then who will? Why does it seem we are never satisfied with the beauty God creates? The flaws we, as individuals, notice are usually the best features. Before when I put my daughter to sleep at night, I would tell her to bless those she loves (family and friends/strangers and lost ones), but I never had her focus on herself. And when I asked her does she love herself...she replied, "No Mommy, I love everyone else." This sent up a red flag. I don't want her to look down on anyone, but I definitely needed her to learn her self worth. From that point on she began to pray for/over herself. She's five, and it took me until after my marriage to love myself. I didn't even realize I wasn't loving myself...decided to let NO man define me. Women have been created by God to be loved by a man. Read the good book, but how can that man love you as he should, if you do not love yourself? What does it mean to love yourself? Loving yourself means that you always do what's best for you. You stand up for what you believe in. And if that man is a good man, he will love that about you. To love yourself means that you will not chase desperately after a man! The bible says, "He who finds a wife finds a treasure, and receives favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). Not the other way around.

Love yourself enough to say no. Satisfy yourself before you satisfy that man, and that does not mean...be selfish. If you are satisfied with you, then you will be able to give him the love he deserves, and he will be able to give that love back to you. Do not allow any premature sexual relations you have with a man to be demoralized with disrespectful words. "F'ing," "Banging," "Boning," etc. are not acceptable word choices. When the time comes, you should be making love, and hopefully with your best friend. Decipher a man who is a mess. If he knows you're worth it, and please believe me you are, he will wait. If he doesn't, then he doesn't deserve you. Loving yourself is not always easy, and it hurts. Constant decisions all the time may leave you alone...but be obedient, and be strong because when the time comes God will bless you with what your heart desires, as long as it's accordance with His will!

As a young woman, I love to be loved. I tried to define by value based upon how much a man loved me or how I was able to get him to love me. I allowed men to fill voids of my insecurities instead of allowing God to fill my voids. Allowing a man to define your self-worth is a set-up for major disaster! Why? If you depend on someone you do not stand on your own; as a complete being, which means as he literally walks out of your life you will fall...you will fall susceptible to mess because you cannot define yourself. I learned that if I love myself, and depend only on myself then love from a man will come naturally. He will know that I love myself and he will love that about me...Trust.

Take the time to get to know yourself. reflect on what you want, on who you are. Trust me you can have what you deserve if you love yourself to know that YOU DESERVE THE BEST!!


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Liberation Day

Two years ago March 17th my decision to leave was finalized. I had spent years sacrificing and giving myself to a man who did not deserve the family he was given. I gave up my dreams of singing, and instead graduated from college and became a teacher because someone had to take care of the child we created. I tried to support his every move, but did not receive the same commitment in return. Instead me and our child were more of burden to him. Yet I stayed and was willing to stay. So why did I leave? I've spent these last two years trying to figure out the root reason of why I left. Initially, I blamed myself for my failing marriage. I felt if I loved him enough he would actuallly love me back...the way I deserved to be loved. I thought I didn't deserved to be loved because the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with let me down. I had let myself down. At the time, I was still a lost woman. I didn't even remember who I was before him. Once I left I still continued to make poor decisions in relationships, and for myself. I spent many times being "at the bottom of every bottle." I rebelled with anger, questioning God, and having a lack of understanding as to why I was left in the position I was in. I left a marriage with nothing to show for my leap of faith. Feeling trapped in a life I never intended to live. Full of debt; no faith; resentment; pain and heartache; hate and anger for men. They diagnosed me: Wreckless. But I've realized now, through all the bs, I left to give my daughter a fighting chance. How could I allow her to live in a household where she would see a relationship that was far less than healthy, spiritual, and quality? How could I allow her to witness fights that led nowhere, watching her mother settle for less than I deserved. Though I had friends in the same predicament, I learned first-hand, that misery loves company. Though I often have to deal with the ramifications of my daughter not being able to live in a two-parent home, I will do all that's in my power to show her the relationship God intended for a man and a woman to have. She's shown a better love now, by both of us. No arguments, no pain, no neglect. I have done all I can to make sure she's always surrounded by people who love her. I have since regained my faith in God that my past mistakes have been forgiven, and that my trust in Him leads me in the right direction, and that I have made the right choice...this time; I've been able to gain bits of who I was back, as well as focus on creating the woman God planned for me to be. And I am showing my baby girl...every step of the way. Perfectly, Imperfect.

So the point of Liberation Day is to celebrate the courage of women who have done what's best for their children, and even just themselves, and have walked away from an abusive, unsatisfactory situation. It's the humility in our spirit to face the whispers of those who pass judgement, and lean on God for encouragment to do what's right. The fact remains, it's a hard battle every step of the way being a single mother, and making sure the job of motherhood is done correctly, but it can be done. The fact remains that the bitterness and embarrassment of making past poor choices can still way on our every day spirit, but in order to move forward you have to confront what hurts, and trust that God only allows pain, in order to create growth and that sets us up for what He has instore!

I could not be the mother and woman I am today without the support of my own mother who watched me deteriorate from age 18, and loved me regardless. Her faithfulness and prayers gave me strength and I'm still a work in progress. My parents, who have both created a household for my daughter to grow in, and feel so much love from us all. My sister, who has given me motherly advice, and been on me to make sure I became the mother she knew I was supposed to be. My best friend Chyna (God mommy), my ships, and special friends, and the love of my life who sees through my pain, but doesn't allow me to wallow in it; who loves unconditionally and is my #1...ok sharing the #1 spot with mom...fan and supports all the dreams I have inside me. Surround yourself with people who want to see you do well, and remove those individuals who keep up mess in your life.