Hiding behind the walls of failure...people judge. Judgments are usually made by those individuals who are the most unsatisfied. They spend their days making comments, gossiping, or pointing the finger at someone else because it makes them feel better about the dirt they know they are doing behind closed doors. Many people deal with their dissatisfaction in different ways. Some pretend to be perfect and judge, others lie to create a new reality, and some, like myself, used insensitivity to cover their pain. Don't get me wrong, whatever I said was the truth, but there's always a way to say things so people still respect you and receive what it is that you're saying. There was a time in which I felt I couldn't be satisfied with my reality. I used a lack of sensitivity to cope with my unhappiness. I focused on making people think I didn't care, and chose the "ass-hole" route because I couldn't be honest with myself. I made it my business to be honest with everyone else.
See, people who have been ruined by an individual they loved or hoped to love create barriers and walls to protect their hearts from ever being toyed with again. They hand out the brutal opinions and comments and call people out on their short-comings because they feel everyone should have it handed to them raw, just as it was handed to them. They spend most of their time convincing themselves they are completely happy, when in fact they are not satisfied or happy with all the cards dealt. They are not happy with where they live inside, mentally tormented by the feeling of: rejection, confusion, abandonment, violation, and pain. Feeling unloved; making it difficult to love who they truly are, because they believe something must be wrong if someone can decide they don't want them or they don't love them. They spew venom; repeating the actions done to themselves and do it to others. This person, who may not even be in touch with reality, is not ready to deal with the issues within, and they are not ready to live with themselves.
That person was me. I lacked sensitivity because I wanted others to take it the way I did. This person was the complete opposite of who I was originally: before the pain. As I prayed for understanding, I realized I have to live here. I have to live with myself. Releasing, forgiving, dealing with the things that hurt has only made me a better mother, better friend, better woman, and hopefully a better wife in the future. Releasing past pain, letting down my guard, caring genuinely for others and allowing them to care for me has been overwhelming, but a blessing. I am happier where I live, and others see it, and are happier with me.
As I think about the past pain, I realized that I was only giving that person the power by still holding on to what had been done to me. At the end of the day, they weren't necessarily thinking about what they had done, and most of the time they aren't. I had to take responsibility for my decisions, because I only have control over myself…no one else. Many times it seems we are looking for answers, and we have a hard time moving forward when we are waiting on those answers. Move forward. Move forward with yourself. Let God deal with the other individual, because it is certain they will be dealt with in one form or another. No one has to live with you, but you. Don't let someone live in your mental "rent free." So many of us women have a hard time shaking past hurt; we watch as our past hurt goes on to find someone else. And at times they are good to the next woman. So what? Trust and believe God has someone and something for you regardless of someone else's situation. So again, be concerned with yourself. No one else has to deal with you, but you yourself. Stop worrying about what he did to you, forgive him, you're giving him too much power. Stop worrying about what you have or do not have; your time is coming if you stay focused and Trust God. The venom and anger I had in me, kept me from receiving all the things God had in store for me. When I let go…God let it all in. And I am so happy living here…with myself.