Thursday, February 3, 2011

Making My Last Chance Last...

The last, and final chance…it matters not if anyone believes I deserved that last chance to finally reciprocate a love that had been given to me over a period of ten years.  Truthfully, his willingness to be all of what I’ve never experienced before was at first frightening…In my mind I was saying, “is this payback for not knowing how to love you? he’s gonna change and break my heart!” And I was so wrong…no, he is not perfect…he get’s on my last nerve at times, but he’s perfectly imperfect.  I know that no one would succeed in taking care of me, ok putting up with me, the way that he does because I am definitely a handful. And as I rant, rave, nag, or become an emotional woman…he never wavers. He never makes me believe he will leave…in fact he shows how much he loves me even more…and all while he constantly caters to my heart, I am uplifted. He shows me how to be an even stronger woman and mother for myself, and for him because though I get nervous, I know he gets just as nervous, if not more nervous than me.

I’ve always been willing to admit my faults…I would have normally bolted. I am learning myself and growing daily, and even though he believes I am giving him a chance, I believe this is mine…and we’re human, we are going to make mistakes, but I know that this day forward…he will know every morning and every night that I will never leave him; our love will never change; I will trust our love. Because that’s what he deserves…every moment that I am not with him, I am thinking of him. When I see him…I want to attack him because that’s how excited I truly am on the inside…and when I lay next to him, even in the midst of the snoring, my heart relaxes because I’ve never felt safer…and there is no place I’d rather be...
(My Jam lol)
"Don't they know...They're not there when you love me, hold me and say you care, what we have is much more than they can see..."
And yes…I know you’re thinking…nothing lasts forever, and this blog could very well end up in an archive of failed love, misread perceptions…our love doesn’t owe anyone an explanation though…no matter what the future holds, this is my heart right now…and I will fight for it to stay this way until the end of time… ~corazones

I hope this inspires you all to love...

Your Truly,


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

If Fate Would Allow It. . .

Some individuals have the extreme ability to love someone, and forget, love someone, but not know how, love someone and lose the ability to deal with a love they’ve had for that person…because sometimes the mind has the ability to control the heart. It goes for what it wants at the time, but not the longevity of what it needs.

It took years for me to understand, and even reconcile with myself that I undoubtedly cut emotions off, find someone or something to distract me from dealing with the thought, the love, the man, the friend, and then years later, after I’ve grown and looked back, I can finally deal with what my heart was feeling. “My defense mechanism.”

So it seems odd, when I speak to individuals I’ve known for years, but have not spoken to, and tell them what I’ve finally reconciled with; they look at me in disbelief.  For most, I realized that even though I was hurt, I still cared for them deeply. My crass behavior was simply because I didn’t know how else to deal with the situation . . . however, there is one special case . . . a case in which I found his love in two very odd times in my life, one time when I was a kid, unwilling to learn myself and what love truly was, running off to California, and going back to what I knew instead of trusting the attentiveness of his character; then he came back around when my divorce was the heartbreak of my world; the brink of true cognitive recognition. I had to find the person I had lost, and then ultimately say goodbye to her because I had grown tremendously. He was there though, disregarding my inability to show compassion or genuine love. . .

Today, as I look back, and in efforts to explain: I’ve realized that I’ve loved him since the day that we met . . . since the first phone call before seeing him, since the moment he smiled, since the first email, the first poem, the first kiss, the first touch, the first fight. . .I just didn’t want it. I didn’t want to accept something genuine; because I was not ready and I knew I couldn’t give the love he deserved . . . you all think I deserve another chance?

~Yours Truly~