Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Do Better

Before you try to dog out the man or woman you were with before #DoBetter! It makes no sense to not have forward movement in our lives. Not only do you need to find someone who is better, but YOU also need to be doing better! Doing better is an entirely different mindset. With all the things that broke me from my marriage, if I even smell something that seems similar, I'm cancelling that "nicca" like Neno! If I'm not going to #DoBetter then I should've stayed with the fool I was with. At least there are years built around that, or kids, or money, anything. Anything is better than dating someone new, and just like your ex they have no job, no ambition, no money, no car, and more kids than the last one! This is a rant. How can you call yourself growing or better than before if you keep putting yourself into the same dumb situation? You've learned nothing, and therefore deserve whatever treatment is sent your way.

You put your foot down, walked away, dogged out the individual you left. You went through heartache, reflection, talks with the girls or guys. You changed your look and create a fa├žade that says, "I'm happier without you." Then you get pregnant or end up paying bills for someone who is equivalent or less than? You have not dealt with yourself and this is a problem. No one said it wasn't ok to be "single." Society made that up. Single = One. One whole complete person. Enjoy that fact. Work on yourself; pray more and try to establish a solid relationship with yourself. Go back to school, dream again, take care of your kids, write, reflect, and become more. Then maybe you'll find someone who is more. Because there's something to be said about someone who keeps attracting no nothing people. You are giving off a persona that says, "I'm afraid to be alone; I'm weak; use me at your will." Get it together! When you better yourself, you will attract someone who is better because you will love yourself enough to know that you clearly deserve more than you continue to settle for, and unfortunately that doesn't make you better than your ex…you two are still on the same playing field.

And definitely don't worry about them finding someone else to be with "so soon." There's always another weak man/woman out there waiting to fill your shoes. No lie. It's true, and unfortunately it happens more so for the ladies, where the man finds another dumb dumb to manipulate, than for the men. I guess it's because it's a 4:1 Ratio. The same thing happened to me. I left my husband, and immediately there was someone in my old townhouse, sitting on my couch, eating my food, watching my tv, hangin out with my daughter! Oh yes…this is true! But remember what my last post said… I couldn't allow him or her to think I would be angry over him because I wasn't, though she was using my toilet paper, I kept my cool. I took my child, walked out of that townhouse a lady because they needed to know, he didn't matter to me. I wanted to do better; I needed more for me. I could dog him, but it's not necessary…he's a great father and has a good heart. But my purpose in saying that I can dog him, is that you best believe I'm damn sure doin better! I'm living my life; sacrificing still from burdens laid on me from my marriage, but God. But God, is allowing me to dream again, live again, love again and it's because I never looked back. I loved myself and my child enough to not make the same mistake twice. So you've heard it from me; no excuses. Stop complaining and #DoBetter.


Love,


~Esynaj~

Sinking Boat

God does not like Ugly. We must remember that we will pay for the decisions we make. Every decision has a consequence. You "reap what you sow" and all that mess you were talking about when it seemed as if it was gettin' good, goin' good, or feelin' good, will eventually end the same way it began. This is in no way a rant or fight for or against anyone or anything in particular…the truth is the truth…and always will be. It is in our nature to want so many things and want so much; drive and passion are incredible assets, but if you're willing to do anything to get it, you cannot expect the results to be glamorous. We've all done our dirt, not stating that anyone is perfect, but what goes around comes around so be careful.

What's scarier is that some people create their own warped worlds in which they go through all types of steps to justify their wrongs and make them seem right. They create a world that makes others believe them too, and that's even worse. Don't allow someone to present the shiniest apple to you; don't allow someone dressed up in glitz and glam to send you off, because snakes come in every brand, every complexion, and from every angle and direction. As for me, I am far from perfect. I've had my infidel moments where I went for what I wanted, and could care less about what I did not need. I cheated and hurt people's feelings and I learned nothing at all good comes from that. I had convinced myself that it was what I deserved because I was unhappy with my situation; so if anyone found out, it didn't matter, but two wrongs do not make a right. Because in the end I've watched it done to me, and though it didn't feel good, I have to continue to tell myself if they don't fix their mindset, nothing good will come of it.

I've watched people lie to my face; complain about flaws that I openly shared, but hide theirs…and we must remember whatever is done in the dark comes to light. So as the "hidden" flaws unravel I began to see the ugly that lay inside. I watched as they judged other people about their misdoings; dog them out for mistakes made and pretend all they do is perfect; call them weak for sticking around in a tough relationship; talk about other people and how "unholy" they were, but then chase after men and friends who could care less about them; take the blame in relationships that failed though abusive; then cover and lie for them so no one would know, even though the truth was evident: they had been used, talked about, lied to, cheated on, abused…so what confuses me…is how they can have all this damaged goods surrounding them, know how it feels to be stepped on, but then openly and sarcastically do it to others. People at church; people at work; people who are called friends. There's something weak and sickening about that at the same time. It's crazy how you can watch as they push away the individuals that truly love them to protect people that don't give a damn.

Men and women in these situations won't be tolerated by me and the twilight zone has them so confused at the end…there's nothing you can say; nothing you can do, but let them live their lives in cover ups, denial, manipulation, and lies. You can only pray that one day they will wake up from their spell, and be different, but until then if you become the friend of one you will definitely be the target. Because misery loves company; they love to bring people down to their level; they're hypocrites who will shun you for one act of sin, but then do something else and make an excuse for it. They are, under all those layers of BULL, unhappy. They're in a sinking boat…don't drown with them.

Sincerely,

~Esynaj~

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Tolerated or Celebrated

April 17th I had the chance to see Pastor Darius Brooks in person….and when I tell you wow! I mean wow! It wasn't even that his discussion was oh so biblical, but more so just "real" and "the truth." One of his many topics discussed was how many of us, including myself, tend to spend our time around people who tolerate us, and not those who actually celebrate us! How many of you can name a person you are around that you feel tolerated by? It's such a huge difference. And on the inside you know you're only being tolerated, but your self-esteem is so low you stick around to get their approval. This happens in friendships, on the job, in relationships, and even at church. You've gained weight, and therefore he tolerates your weight gain instead of actually loving you regardless, or even taking a walk around the track with you. The job can't find someone else they prefer to work for them, because they're judgmental of you for whatever reason so they tolerate you until they can find someone else to do it, just to do it too, not even better. You have friends who will smile all in your face, talk down to you on a regular basis, and then talk bad about you as soon as you turn your back.

Why is it that if we know that God can take us, and accept us for exactly who we are, do we allow someone who is just as "un" flawless as we are, run our lives? Constantly, talking about what you aren't doing right; constantly talking about how you live your life; yet never taking a moment to actually look themselves in the mirror and make an actual judgment. But then who can we actually be upset with? The one running the show or the one who is constantly trying to be something or someone their not in order to fit into what someone else thinks is right! Because let me tell you something, if they didn't like you before the changes you made, they definitely will not like you when they feel you are trying to be them. It's like watching the movie, "Mean Girls," when Lindsay Lohan first hit the scene (and seriously…look at her now). The girls in that movie were so insecure, they either were controlling because they feared being no one, or they were controlled because they feared being no one! Since when did God place us here to be defined by man?

I always felt that those people, who keep people around them that they simply tolerate, are keeping people around them so they can feel better about themselves. I mean because why would you want to hang out with someone when you don't necessarily agree with how they are living their life? It's to entertain you; give you someone to laugh at;they're more than likely always there to be at your beck and call; you can use them for something; and them idolizing you, makes you feel better about who you actually are. So many people have qualities, yet when we tolerate people, we never truly take the chance to see the God given abilities He has placed inside that person. Because He's given every one of us a gift. You get so caught up in "right now" instead of who you are and what you stand for, and what you know you can do, you forget about the Kingdom child inside you! This is relevant for friendships as well as relationships. You become someone you're not to satisfy your partner because you're afraid of being alone. The talents you sought after and embraced before become non-existent as your self-esteem deteriorates. God does not tolerate us, but celebrates everything He has given us, why would you let "man" who is less than God take that away from you?

When you begin to live for yourself; and stop living for what everyone else thinks, wants, and wants you to be, then you will find true happiness; and it is then that God will truly bless you. Elevation in anything means sometimes you are going to have to leave some folks behind! Suck it up! Be strong and remember if no one else has your back, you yourself should! The only way you will be able to be around people who celebrate you, is if you can find people who are actually satisfied, and happy enough with themselves to embrace you! And you have to be the same! Hang with people who are "on what you are on!" If you are happy, hang with happy people! If you are faithful, you have to hang with faithful people! If you are God driven, then hang around people who have that relationship with God! If you don't hang out with them, they will be alright…I guarantee. Lastly, in order to be celebrated, you have to first celebrate you!


~Esynaj~

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Are You Ok? “I’m Fine.”

I woke up this morning, having not written all week, with a tingling sensation in the tips of my fingers. What should I talk about today? Should it be about pride, sabotage, instability, or blame? But to be honest, a lot of the issues we deal with in relationships are all rolled into one. For every action there is a reaction. His pride, your fear, blaming issues on each other when we need to self "edit." The instabilities of life, love, and happiness, which makes some of us reckless, and on a path of destruction. Many of us compare our current partner to our last partners, when we should have a clean slate, and it usually makes the other individual pull away.

Relationships don't have to be as complicated as we make them. There are arguments and misunderstandings when there is a lack of communication. A lot of times we bring our own/old issues into a new situation, and expect the other person to help us figure it out. We make assumptions about a person, and don't take the time to think it through before we start finding reasons to separate ourselves from the situation. If it even feels anything like an old situation, we are willing to quit before we actually take the time to communicate real thoughts and opinions. What is communication? Communicating does not mean you wait until the both of you are pissed off, and because you can discuss the issues without arguing, you are great communicators. Communicating is being able to express and convey how you feel with clarity so the other person actually feels comfortable and knows who you are before the need for discussion even happens.

Who said there's anything wrong with making your partner feel comfortable? It's like sometimes people play games on purpose to make the other jealous so you can see how much they actually care. Don't act like it's just been me before. Not answering the phone on purpose so he doesn't know where you are. Never texting back, when you know 100% you would flip out if he didn't respond in your ten minute grace period. Making yourself busy, not making time, going out, staying out all night, and never letting the other person know what's going on. Having an unexplained attitude or tone that makes the other person uncomfortable. If you love this person, why would you ever want them to question your love for them? If you want or need to play games, then maybe you should reassess and reevaluate your own intentions. Being in a committed relationship may not be for you. If you don't want your partner to question your intentions or act a fool, stop being difficult. There are so many things that go on in a relationship, some of them are uncontrollable, so take control of the things you can. Stop making your partner read your mind. If something is wrong, let them know there is a problem. There's nothing worse than an argument over something petty, like the dishes or a missed phone call, when what you're feeling is beyond that. The problem will never be solved. When he asks you are you ok, and you say, "I'm fine." But everyone knows you're really not, you are setting yourself up for failure. If you're not fine, say it because your actions outside of the root issue may cause you to be in the wrong as well. Now your opinion and credibility is lost.

Selfish people who only think of how they feel, who do not try to see things from a perspective other than their own do not need to be married or in relationships. You have to take away the I's or an Us. Think for more than yourself. Think about how you would feel if what you were doing was being done to you. Communicate.


To Be Continued…


~Esynaj~

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Oxygen Masks On

Dealing with hard times alone can be one of the biggest battles to overcome, yet watching someone you love go through a hard time when you know it's a hill they have to climb on their own, for me…is even harder. I never quite understood my grandmother. She was strict…all the way old school. Made me eat spinach, and didn't let me drink that tall glass of Hawaiian Punch until I completed every ounce of that pile of goo. She loved so hard, she worried about us all. She loved so hard, sometimes it hurt. My mother loves the same way, though not strict at all, she would give anything for the ones she loves. Sometimes I wish God didn't make me the same way. Once I've committed to loving you…I never stop. No matter how much I am hurt; there is no off button.

Now some would say this is a good thing; God loves us the same way. Unconditional…but though I strive to be Christ like, I am nothing compared nor have the power to endure every condition. I've dealt with this, with friends, with some family, and in relationships with men. It's something in me that wants to save them. I put myself on the line…almost every time. I put my money, my heart, my faith in them, and in the end I realize I definitely should not have done it. We are not meant to be saved by some-one or some-thing; we are meant to save ourselves through a faith that relies only upon God. I know the Tyler Perry movies lead us to believe that Mr. Prince Charming is going to come our way, and help us move on and forget all that we have gone through…but it's only a movie. Reality is, the only reason they were able to find love or be happy, is because they moved on and saved themselves first.

When you put your hopes and dreams into someone else, or base your happiness upon how someone else makes you feel…you have set yourself up for failure. Because no one is perfect, and at some point that person is going to have to fight their own battle, and they are not going to be able to focus their attention on saving you anymore. I am not being pessimistic. There are people who are happy, who work together to resolve their issues together and separately, but at the end of the day those people are happy with themselves first.

No one can be changed by someone else. People change because they want to change. So if that friend or significant other is not the person you hope them to be, then maybe that friend or significant other isn't for you. It takes a strong person to accept what they need, and who strays away from what they want because what we want may not even exist; what we want may not be best for us at all. Can you look that person in the eye and see who they truly are? Can you look at them and see they are who you need in your life? Potential is a scary thing to deal with. You can see potential in anyone, but do they see it in themselves? How long do you sit back and watch them try and piece together the pieces to the puzzle? You can want so much for a person, but if they don't want it for themselves…then who cares? You can want to save someone from their troubles and trials, but at the end of the day they have to figure it out on their own. I am not, by any means saying leave someone because they are going through a difficult time, but I am saying evaluate the situation before you hold on to something that is empty.

As my cousin has explained to me before, when the flight attendants explain how the oxygen masks work, never once do they say put the oxygen mask on the person sitting next to you first. They say, place the oxygen mask on you first, and then assist other people. If you are not dealing with yourself, helping yourself, saving yourself first, then you will all suffer. I've had to deal with my battles on my own, and as I said before it has been one of the biggest battles to overcome; but I couldn't wait on someone to complete me or help me believe in me…I did that before, and once that relationship ended, I was right back where I started. I, and don't get me wrong…even today it is still hard…because I cannot deny wanting the fairytale ending; the family; the kids; the big house with a porch and swing…that is the next level in life I long to take, but I am starting with me first. Whatever I put out, is what I will get back. I am dealing with myself, learning to love myself as I am now, and taking the steps to improve myself…and I am letting others do the same. No matter how much it hurts to see them be heartbroken, or disappointed, or overwhelmed…we can only save ourselves. Are you willing to do it?


~Esynaj~

Friday, April 2, 2010

SexnYou

This topic is difficult to discuss because I know a lot of individuals won't approve of the discussion. I can give you what the word says. I can tell you how, those who believe in God would want you to be, but truth of the matter is, we all die to our flesh every day. We all fall short of his glory, and so therefore I have to touch upon the topic of sex because the mental destruction of young girls giving themselves away to boys/men who do not deserve it, breaks the esteem of young women down daily. God says, do not fornicate; therefore, do not have sex until you are married. My advice: Do your best to follow the word. Keeping that part of you is an honor. And if you fall short, my advice is that you do not give a part of yourself away aimlessly.

Over 70% of teens are having sex before the age of 20, and African-American's more than double the numbers in regards to Caucasians. So why is there a need to have sex? For many it's the intimacy. Wanting to feel needed by the opposite sex, and confusing love with lust. For some, women feel the need to give a part of themselves away because if they don't, he will find someone who will. What's unfortunate is if more women were stronger, the man wouldn't have a choice but to deal with it, but because there is such a large amount of women out here with a lack of self-esteem, men will always be able to find someone who will give it up. Yes, it means you have low self-esteem. Sorry if you don't want to hear it, but it's true. If you had confidence in yourself, then when you felt like you were being pressured to give it up, you would have no problem with saying no, and not feel bad about it later. What you have to realize is that if he is worth it, and the one God wants you to be with, then he will wait. He will wait until you are ready to take that type of step. Some of you all will and have had sex to keep a man you never even had! And when he moves on, before you've even been committed to, you wonder why? If he's not willing to wait, that's all he came for, and if that's not all you came for, well then you can definitely guess that your feelings will be hurt.

Sex is not just an act. It's an emotion. Men have an easier time using that logic, as always, and separating the emotional side. This definitely is not all men, but women, most of us, have emotions tied into it. And you should…it wasn't created to be emotionless. Believe it or not there is a difference between having sex and making love, and there is no greater feeling than making love to someone you know genuinely loves you. Someone who will never leave, and who will be there with you always. It can't feel too good to have sex with someone, and then watch them get up and walk away, and sometimes never see them again. No wonder you have no self-esteem. Then you repeat the act over and over again, because you care so little about yourself, or somewhere in your mind you really think it's going to be different. With anything you do in life, if you want different results you have to do something different. If you don't value yourself, why should he? A man will only do what you allow him to, and to be honest, the road may get lonely at times, but God will bless your obedience, and send you the one who deserves all you have to give.

It took me some time to learn the difference. I've never been an out there kind of woman, but my daughter was conceived out of wedlock, and I had been active before, and though my battles have been in other areas, I will say I have never wanted more than anything to be in a position to make love to my husband. Everything else is a chance. A chance of me giving away something that may be walked away with. It's even worse to have sex with a man, when you emotionally feel it, and you know for them it is just an act. A man who loves you, truly, will show you that love even outside the act of sex. He will pay attention to you, cater to you; show you that intimacy outside the bedroom. And ladies, sometimes you will have to teach him. Show him the type of love you want him to show you, by actually showing him. Sometimes you keep your guard up about the wrong things. Your guard is up with emotions and affection, but it's not up about sex. Backwards, and I was the same way. If he's worth showing, show him. It may not be his entire fault that he's not intimate the way you want him to be. Closed mouths don't get fed.

What I can appreciate in my relationship is his ability to be attentive (examples given upon request lol), and his ability to look me in my eyes when I speak, and care about what I care about. If he doesn't care about what you care about, then he doesn't care. There are many preliminaries that need to be addressed before you decide to give him a piece of what God created to be sacred for you. Run down your check list for yourself, and what you are willing to accept. Run down your check list of things you have to have from him. Make him pass that test first, then get to know him, and make sure he gets to know you, let him take you out, open your door, speak to you with respect. When he understands you, because women we are layers; very complex women, then you discuss allowing him to have a part of you. Remember that complexity and complication are two different things…be certain on who you are before you give a part of you away. Sex was created for two people who have made a commitment to love each other for a life time. If you know you are not going to end up with the guy you are dealing with, don't give him a part of you…he doesn't deserve it. Feel me?


Love Always,


~Esynaj~