Thursday, March 18, 2010

Liberation Day

Two years ago March 17th my decision to leave was finalized. I had spent years sacrificing and giving myself to a man who did not deserve the family he was given. I gave up my dreams of singing, and instead graduated from college and became a teacher because someone had to take care of the child we created. I tried to support his every move, but did not receive the same commitment in return. Instead me and our child were more of burden to him. Yet I stayed and was willing to stay. So why did I leave? I've spent these last two years trying to figure out the root reason of why I left. Initially, I blamed myself for my failing marriage. I felt if I loved him enough he would actuallly love me back...the way I deserved to be loved. I thought I didn't deserved to be loved because the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with let me down. I had let myself down. At the time, I was still a lost woman. I didn't even remember who I was before him. Once I left I still continued to make poor decisions in relationships, and for myself. I spent many times being "at the bottom of every bottle." I rebelled with anger, questioning God, and having a lack of understanding as to why I was left in the position I was in. I left a marriage with nothing to show for my leap of faith. Feeling trapped in a life I never intended to live. Full of debt; no faith; resentment; pain and heartache; hate and anger for men. They diagnosed me: Wreckless. But I've realized now, through all the bs, I left to give my daughter a fighting chance. How could I allow her to live in a household where she would see a relationship that was far less than healthy, spiritual, and quality? How could I allow her to witness fights that led nowhere, watching her mother settle for less than I deserved. Though I had friends in the same predicament, I learned first-hand, that misery loves company. Though I often have to deal with the ramifications of my daughter not being able to live in a two-parent home, I will do all that's in my power to show her the relationship God intended for a man and a woman to have. She's shown a better love now, by both of us. No arguments, no pain, no neglect. I have done all I can to make sure she's always surrounded by people who love her. I have since regained my faith in God that my past mistakes have been forgiven, and that my trust in Him leads me in the right direction, and that I have made the right choice...this time; I've been able to gain bits of who I was back, as well as focus on creating the woman God planned for me to be. And I am showing my baby girl...every step of the way. Perfectly, Imperfect.

So the point of Liberation Day is to celebrate the courage of women who have done what's best for their children, and even just themselves, and have walked away from an abusive, unsatisfactory situation. It's the humility in our spirit to face the whispers of those who pass judgement, and lean on God for encouragment to do what's right. The fact remains, it's a hard battle every step of the way being a single mother, and making sure the job of motherhood is done correctly, but it can be done. The fact remains that the bitterness and embarrassment of making past poor choices can still way on our every day spirit, but in order to move forward you have to confront what hurts, and trust that God only allows pain, in order to create growth and that sets us up for what He has instore!

I could not be the mother and woman I am today without the support of my own mother who watched me deteriorate from age 18, and loved me regardless. Her faithfulness and prayers gave me strength and I'm still a work in progress. My parents, who have both created a household for my daughter to grow in, and feel so much love from us all. My sister, who has given me motherly advice, and been on me to make sure I became the mother she knew I was supposed to be. My best friend Chyna (God mommy), my ships, and special friends, and the love of my life who sees through my pain, but doesn't allow me to wallow in it; who loves unconditionally and is my #1...ok sharing the #1 spot with and supports all the dreams I have inside me. Surround yourself with people who want to see you do well, and remove those individuals who keep up mess in your life.


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