If Fate Would Allow It. . .

Some individuals have the extreme ability to love someone, and forget, love someone, but not know how, love someone and lose the ability to deal with a love they’ve had for that person…because sometimes the mind has the ability to control the heart. It goes for what it wants at the time, but not the longevity of what it needs.

It took years for me to understand, and even reconcile with myself that I undoubtedly cut emotions off, find someone or something to distract me from dealing with the thought, the love, the man, the friend, and then years later, after I’ve grown and looked back, I can finally deal with what my heart was feeling. “My defense mechanism.”

So it seems odd, when I speak to individuals I’ve known for years, but have not spoken to, and tell them what I’ve finally reconciled with; they look at me in disbelief.  For most, I realized that even though I was hurt, I still cared for them deeply. My crass behavior was simply because I didn’t know how else to deal with the situation . . . however, there is one special case . . . a case in which I found his love in two very odd times in my life, one time when I was a kid, unwilling to learn myself and what love truly was, running off to California, and going back to what I knew instead of trusting the attentiveness of his character; then he came back around when my divorce was the heartbreak of my world; the brink of true cognitive recognition. I had to find the person I had lost, and then ultimately say goodbye to her because I had grown tremendously. He was there though, disregarding my inability to show compassion or genuine love. . .

Today, as I look back, and in efforts to explain: I’ve realized that I’ve loved him since the day that we met . . . since the first phone call before seeing him, since the moment he smiled, since the first email, the first poem, the first kiss, the first touch, the first fight. . .I just didn’t want it. I didn’t want to accept something genuine; because I was not ready and I knew I couldn’t give the love he deserved . . . you all think I deserve another chance?

~Yours Truly~

Esynaj