Making My Last Chance Last...

The last, and final chance…it matters not if anyone believes I deserved that last chance to finally reciprocate a love that had been given to me over a period of ten years.  Truthfully, his willingness to be all of what I’ve never experienced before was at first frightening…In my mind I was saying, “is this payback for not knowing how to love you? he’s gonna change and break my heart!” And I was so wrong…no, he is not perfect…he get’s on my last nerve at times, but he’s perfectly imperfect.  I know that no one would succeed in taking care of me, ok putting up with me, the way that he does because I am definitely a handful. And as I rant, rave, nag, or become an emotional woman…he never wavers. He never makes me believe he will leave…in fact he shows how much he loves me even more…and all while he constantly caters to my heart, I am uplifted. He shows me how to be an even stronger woman and mother for myself, and for him because though I get nervous, I know he gets just as nervous, if not more nervous than me.

I’ve always been willing to admit my faults…I would have normally bolted. I am learning myself and growing daily, and even though he believes I am giving him a chance, I believe this is mine…and we’re human, we are going to make mistakes, but I know that this day forward…he will know every morning and every night that I will never leave him; our love will never change; I will trust our love. Because that’s what he deserves…every moment that I am not with him, I am thinking of him. When I see him…I want to attack him because that’s how excited I truly am on the inside…and when I lay next to him, even in the midst of the snoring, my heart relaxes because I’ve never felt safer…and there is no place I’d rather be...

(My Jam lol)

"Don't they know...They're not there when you love me, hold me and say you care, what we have is much more than they can see..."

And yes…I know you’re thinking…nothing lasts forever, and this blog could very well end up in an archive of failed love, misread perceptions…our love doesn’t owe anyone an explanation though…no matter what the future holds, this is my heart right now…and I will fight for it to stay this way until the end of time… ~corazones~ 

I hope this inspires you all to love...

Your Truly,

~Esynaj~

If Fate Would Allow It. . .

Some individuals have the extreme ability to love someone, and forget, love someone, but not know how, love someone and lose the ability to deal with a love they’ve had for that person…because sometimes the mind has the ability to control the heart. It goes for what it wants at the time, but not the longevity of what it needs.

It took years for me to understand, and even reconcile with myself that I undoubtedly cut emotions off, find someone or something to distract me from dealing with the thought, the love, the man, the friend, and then years later, after I’ve grown and looked back, I can finally deal with what my heart was feeling. “My defense mechanism.”

So it seems odd, when I speak to individuals I’ve known for years, but have not spoken to, and tell them what I’ve finally reconciled with; they look at me in disbelief.  For most, I realized that even though I was hurt, I still cared for them deeply. My crass behavior was simply because I didn’t know how else to deal with the situation . . . however, there is one special case . . . a case in which I found his love in two very odd times in my life, one time when I was a kid, unwilling to learn myself and what love truly was, running off to California, and going back to what I knew instead of trusting the attentiveness of his character; then he came back around when my divorce was the heartbreak of my world; the brink of true cognitive recognition. I had to find the person I had lost, and then ultimately say goodbye to her because I had grown tremendously. He was there though, disregarding my inability to show compassion or genuine love. . .

Today, as I look back, and in efforts to explain: I’ve realized that I’ve loved him since the day that we met . . . since the first phone call before seeing him, since the moment he smiled, since the first email, the first poem, the first kiss, the first touch, the first fight. . .I just didn’t want it. I didn’t want to accept something genuine; because I was not ready and I knew I couldn’t give the love he deserved . . . you all think I deserve another chance?

~Yours Truly~

Esynaj

Growing Pain

I have learned more than my share over these past few days. . . .I could always place my finger on the true meaning of loving someone unconditional.  Sometimes the ones you love the most, have the ability to hurt you the most.  For years, since my divorce, I have learned to shield any pain with anger. Why be sad, when I can just simply be pissed off?  Through anger though, not much is accomplished.  Though I had the ability to express in every word the anger I felt about the situation, I allowed spite to cover up how I truly felt.  I’ve learned that it is only in the ability to express pain, that reality sets in.  It’s easier for someone who loves you to accept your pain, than your anger, because the pain is honestly…what’s real. 

I have trusted completely; and in that trust I have expected the most ultimate love and trust in return.  My initial response was always to lash out, say it’s over, not want an explanation for the action, ignore phone calls, say anything to hurt him because I wanted him to feel the way I felt…when truly, I wanted to forgive, I wanted to know why, and the last thing I wanted was him to be out of my life. I thank God, that though he had made the mistake, he loved me and knew me enough, to wait for me to calm down, and be transparent, and vulnerable to let him in to know how much it truly hurt.  Within that confession, on both ends, we were both able to grow.  Weird, huh? I’m asking you to forgive those who hurt you…and show them they’ve hurt you…if you want them in your life though, there’s no other option.

There are numerous self-sabotage types of individuals out there who are just like me. Feel no pain…feel no gain though…sometimes you have to feel ruined to be molded into what God wants us to be.  Pain doesn’t simply come in the form of relationships with a man or woman…relationships come in friendships, in relationships with parents, siblings, and even grandparents.  Could you imagine if God always handled his pain in anger…not giving second chances, willing to sacrifice our lives through destruction because we are constantly making mistakes?

My advice, love and love hard…trust until given a reason not to…forgive, but don’t forget…and be vulnerable to those who love you because there is healing in your journeys…and growth in each trial...

Your Truly,

~Esynaj~

Give Him Air

I swear Kevin Hart said it best in his stand up, “Seriously Funny” ….women just cant stand to see their man having a great time without them.  And don’t lie cause when he said it in his stand-up…you laughed hard as hell and then side-eyed your man!! You do it, I do it, but then I began to think…why?

Have you ever seen a group of men congregate together? No women, just each other…bottles of liquor, bags of greasy food, and a whole lot of conversation? It is quite interesting to witness, and honestly, they don’t think about us for a second. And you know why? They’re too busy trying to stroke their egos…who’s going to brag the most, and win at the end of the night. And when they’re done “playing” with each other, then they will come hang out or home to you, and let you fulfill the intimate side.  Ladies, we are nothing like this…we don’t get together to try and stroke our egos! No, we get together to try and mend our egos back together.  We discuss our problems, what he done did, said, or not did and not said…and for 30% of the time we talk about what’s good! Men don’t discuss their problems, and they don’t feel like messin’ with us, because that’s what we want to talk about with them!

This is not a declaration for change…cause ladies, this is who we are, but give him some slack. Let him go out and have a great time with his guys, because that’s his moment where he does not have to be on point…or think as hard as we would like him to.  Furthermore, maybe we should try and do the same thing.  Find a balance.  Stop talking about him, or thinking about him as much when you are with your girls…let that be your time to be a woman…it’s the moment where you actually get to be around ladies who understand the layers we’ve developed in our brains!! And trust me…you don’t get that at home!

Cleaning Your Plate

As a woman, I want the best for women.  I want us to carry ourselves as ladies, with dignity, respect…yada yada yada…you get it. Unfortunately, that is not the world that we live in.  Not every woman can be an adult about situations, or control their emotions when their feelings are hurt.

Men and women are two completely different creatures…men cheat, on even the most well packaged woman; women give themselves away too easily, and then wonder why he hasn’t called.  I know I’ve said this, but it still rings true…our emotions get the best of us; we dog out the next woman because of something a man has done…well when is he going to be held accountable?

When you enter a new relationship, how long should it take for you to clean your plate?  If you’ve been talking for a few months before you make it official, that plate should be cleared…right? Some women won’t necessarily follow suit with you deciding to ignore phone calls and text messages; making an announcement to the world via blast text is highly absurd…so what should you do? As time passes, most will get the picture, and fall by the waist side, but there are a few basic chicks who will need to be addressed, and men, as much as you want to act like you don’t know she’s doing too much…if your new girlfriend would think she’s doing too much…she’s doing too damn much.

If you fear being blunt and bold with these simple females who won’t go away, then you probably aren’t ready to commit.  If you know that she loves you, and could careless about the relationship you’ve decided to establish, but continue to have a connection with her…you have not cleared your plate, and aren’t ready to commit.  There should be no hesitation in X’ing certain people off your list…that may create issues in your new relationship. There should be no hesitation in letting people know this is the person you have decided to create a future with, because if you don’t, why would these other women respect your decision and relationship? How would they know how serious you are about the person you claim to love???

This has no bearings on female “friends.” Real friends don’t have an underlying motive…are not waiting in the wings for your relationship to fail so they can take the girlfriend’s place. In essence, if she’s hanging around, and you are letting her, because you evidently have qualms about the current status of your relationship working…well you’ve claimed the inevitable. Your girlfriend will most definitely walk.

Chekk Famous Presents: "Everybody Wants To Be Famous"

With such an explosive sound, Chicago's K-Town brings to you Chekk Famous!! Honestly, listening to his music will make you feel like you are in the middle of a boxing ring...winning!! From start to finish this mixtape will amp you up, arouse you, and inspire you all in one! With lyrics that let you know this talented artist is well on his way to stardom nationwide!! Click on the Link below to hear Chekk's single "Fire Drill" from his new mixtape:

http://www.blokclubdjs.net/live/

I have had the pleasure of working with this artist, and his creativity is off the meter! Creating one of my own hit's "20/20 Vision" (produced by Bangghz), he has taught me a lot about what makes people catch on and remember your music! He has inspired me to be even more creative in my own writing as an artist!! Hat tipped to you Chekk...you are much appreciated!! To find out more about Chekk Famous please visit his website:

www.chekkfamous.com

Tomorrow, January 8th YOU MUST BE AT Chekk's Mixtape Release Party at B&B's 127th S State St. If you miss this event you are out here losin! Support one of Chitown's very own!!

Chicago Loves You Chekk!! Thank you for blessing us with real hip hop! Great music!!

Yours Truly,

~Esynaj~

A True "Star" Is Born in Vegaz Taelor

          I have to show love to Vegaz Taelor, a 19 year old, up and coming star from Las Vegas.  I met him in 2009 at Waubonsie Valley High School while I was still teaching.  I know now that God does everything for a reason.  When I was initially let go from Waubonsie, I was disappointed, but I realized that those two years spent there were just a part of his master plan, because I would have NEVER met this incredible talent!  Not only is he talented, but he's diligent, driven, committed, has the most vivacious, contagious laugh, and ladies...my bro's been hittin' the gym pretty tough! As a graphics design major, he uses those talents to aid in his artistry.  He creates videos and pictures you wish you had of your own.... 

Please look out for this future star...his talent and his love will heal so many hearts, and put smiles on everyone's face! This is someone you never want to sleep on... Please make sure you go to the Vegaz-Taelor Channel on YouTube and check out ALL is other videos! Learn to Love Him...Love to Learn Him...

http://www.youtube.com/user/VegazTaelor

To my baby brother...I am so proud of you, and all that you are accomplishing! I believe in you and your gift! Love you Nuffy...

Yours Truly,

~ Esynaj ~